Spoiled!

By Dr. Tim Clinton

Love your kids more by "loving" them less.

iPods. Xbox. Playstations^. Sidekicks.

Ah... it must be Christmas again. A time when my kids are asking for things I've never heard of. Yet, I find myself laboring to find the mysterious gadget and learn how it works, too. Who doesn't want their child to have the "best Christmas ever?"

As parents, we want our kids to feel safe, special, and loved. We desire that they go on to have families and stellar careers. We pour effort and energy into their lives because we yearn for them to be successful in life. And we often do get it right.

Yet, in our efforts to provide for our children, there are times that we simply get it wrong. We go too far. In longing to provide safety, we overprotect. Or, when setting limits, we overcontrol. And as we try to show love, we overindulge—30 presents under the tree, and more in the garage!

Christmas Gift Suggestions It's less than a week until Christmas... are you panicking about what to get your kids? Here are some suggestions for you.

All children need to feel that they are special and important. Once in a while, they need a day at the zoo when they get all the peanuts they want to feed the elephants—and all the peanuts they want to eat, too. They need birthday parties where they get their favorite cake, ice cream, and toys. But if the world revolves around them every day, and they begin expecting their favorite cake Monday through Friday, then the "specialness" has worn off and entitlement has arrived. 

Like most things in life, too much of anything can simply be too much—especially when it comes to what we do for our kids in the name of love.

Too Much "Love"

Why do we "love too much?" There could be a number of reasons: perhaps we're compensating out of guilt because we don't spend enough time with our kids. Or, maybe we feel as if we missed out as kids and we're now trying to fix our parents' mistakes. Whatever the reason, overindulgent parents commendably want to support and bless their kids. But unfortunately, giving in to every whim can end up spoiling children.

The end result is a childhood with too few limits and not enough responsibility. Contrary to what parents hope most for their offspring (to be happy and affirmed), pampered children can become selfish and even resentful adults, despite all the material blessings bestowed on them. In fact, giving kids whatever they want actually deprives them in a different way. Without having to save and plan, they miss opportunities to learn about setting and achieving goals. And because their parents throw toys or privileges at every problem, they often don't learn to deal with their feelings in a healthy way.

As a counselor, I've seen that even in the midst of getting what they want when they want it, overindulged kids tend not to be appreciative. They can become disrespectful, frequently interrupting their parents' conversations with other adults. When they're scolded for doing so, they say matter-of-factly, "Well, I wanted to say something."

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Be honest—do you see yourself overindulging because you love your child so much? If you do recognize the problem, take heart: you join the ranks of every other mom and dad struggling to find a balanced way to express parental affection. Bill Carmichael, author of Habits of a Healthy Home, candidly wrote, "It has been painful for me in looking back to discover that I unconsciously did some things that fostered just the opposite of what I want to see in my children. I believe I am a good parent, but even good parents [can] fail and foster the wrong environment."

The bottom line is—your kids need your time, not your money. They also need togetherness and the chance to talk. Doing activities together creates the opportunity to connect through meaningful conversation. Deep down, they want nothing more than you!

Scripture says, "See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are..." (1 John 3:1). Our goal should ultimately be to parent the way our heavenly Father parents us, with the perfect balance of control, protection, and affection. The good news is—He wants to come alongside to teach us. Through Him, we can give our children the best gift ever: the complete assurance that we love them with the kind of extravagant love that God gives us—love that is abundant and balanced.