Your Family: God's Healing for Others

By Kate Osborn

Even if your family lacked positive role models, you can still learn how godly families should function.

My mother's car hesitated for just a moment at the end of the road before turning out of sight. Through the rear window, I saw the outline of her hand waving overly enthusiastically, and I waved back, hoping I looked more confident than I felt. We both knew we were faking, but neither of us wanted to pull down the other's defenses. My new freshman roommates were gathering upstairs in the dorm, and as the car disappeared round the corner, I turned away from the chaos I had known to the chaos that awaited me at my first semester in college.

I had been a normal kid from a normal middle class home. My parents valued curfews, education, and paying taxes. But in my early teenage years, things started to go wrong, and they went through a very messy divorce; suddenly I was a kid from a broken home. Although I was on the Honor Roll and active in my church youth group, I disassociated myself from my parents, and on my fifteenth birthday I moved out to live with friends.

Six months later, my mother and I relocated together from the Chicago suburbs to her native England, and we spent much time in prayer and counseling to restore our broken relationship. Over the next five years, God reconciled us fully, just in time for me to move out again to attend college in a city at the other end of the country.

Like many other students, I attended a church with no formal college ministry. Instead, neighborhood small groups provided weekly fellowship and welcomed new students. I signed up to visit a small group that met in a house several streets away; it was hosted by Chris and Judi and their two girls, Rachel (then 8), and Harriet (5). On that first evening, Judi opened the door, offered me a cup of tea and a cookie, and the girls crawled up into my lap.

Over the coming weeks and months, and for the next seven years that I lived in that city, they also opened the door of their family to me. Through my observation of Chris and Judi interacting as a couple and parenting their children, God began to teach me about His concepts of family. Before long, I began to catch a glimpse of what my own future family could be like.

I didn't need Chris, Judi, and the girls to stop their own lives in order to help me; I just needed to be invited in to be a part of the normal chaos of a functioning family. I learned an argument doesn't mean someone is going to leave, and a bad day doesn't mean a divorce is coming. I learned families can survive hard times.

After our initial meeting, I started to spend more and more time there, and over the years, many of my friends were also greatly blessed through the openness of their family.  We often just hung out together—I would study for exams, help the girls with homework, go on outings, and run errands. As the girls grew up, we would discuss boys and relationships. Eventually, Rachel and Harriet were my bridesmaids, and today I am pleased to still call them friends.

How did Chris and Judi live their lives in such a way that God could use them to bring healing to me? How can I do it for others, now that I'm married and settled in my own home? How can you do it for college-age kids in your area? Here are some simple starting points, gleaned from my real-life experience with their family.

To start with, be willing. Host a mixed-age small group; invite hungry students over for lunch after church; get to know your babysitters. Strike up a conversation—all students are happy to talk about what degree they are pursuing and where they are from, and they are also grateful for a free meal. Then once you get started, what do you do next? Try following these three principles, and see what God has in store as He uses you and your family to bring healing to others.

Don't wait until your family is "perfect."

Chris and Judi argued, the girls bickered, appliances broke, people made mistakes. They just got on with doing "family" as best as they knew how, and they remained real and honest with me and each other throughout. Others could miss a chance to receive healing if we are fearful our family doesn't match the ideal. Don't put such opportunities on hold.

Be available, but know when to say no.

Judi was a stay-at-home mom, and due to a chronic illness, she was in the house more often than not. As such, she was available almost 24 hours a day.  She made it clear when we were welcome to be there and when it was time to go. I loved the freedom of knowing that I wasn't impinging on their family time or generally being a nuisance. She never "entertained" us—when the day was over, she'd say, "We're going to bed; you're all welcome to stay. Lock the door on your way out." At other times, when she or her family needed a rest, she would simply say, "Right, time to go!" Her honesty and forthrightness removed any fear, resentment, or manipulation on either side.

Be intentional but not structured.

Judi never sat me down with a formal discipleship schedule or list of areas for personal growth. She and her family just lived life in front of me, making the most of teachable moments as they arose, just as she did with her own kids. On occasion I needed them in more definite ways—to listen when I cried, to advise me, to pray with me—but it was not primarily a discipleship or mentoring relationship. They simply allowed me in to be part of their family life.

Now, almost ten years later, my husband and I are expecting our first child. As we form our own family, we are so grateful for the role models we had in Chris and Judi, and for the healing that happened in my own life as a result of God's work.  Because of this hospitable couple, I have some sense of the potential in God's concept of family, and some idea of how to make that happen in my own household. Psalm 68:6 tells us that God makes a home for the lonely. I was "the lonely" and God placed me in Chris and Judi's family. Now, I want to be a part of making it happen for others. I invite you to join me in the challenge and privilege of our opening homes and our lives: Let's let God use us, imperfect as we are, to bring wholeness to others.